This blog is one in a series that is intended to draw our attention to hope in the midst of the challenges and brokenness in marriage. Marriage in the Real World is a conference being hosted at Covenant Fellowship Church with guest speaker Dr. Voddie Baucham. It is being held in Glen Mills, PA on January 8-9, 2016. Click here for more information
Pride must have no place in wedded life.
- J.R. Miller
As perfect as I thought marriage was going to be, I didn’t account for one important truth: I’m a sinner. And, to be honest, I forgot another one: so is Gina. And so, there we were…young, inspired, and in love…surprised that we each took our pride into our marriage.
With the wounding of our pride, apologies were slow to come and taking responsibility for our initial difficulties wasn’t something either of us was eager to do. Now, 20 years later, we see the folly of our ignorance. Yet, we still sometimes get caught up in our own pride and are surprised by the unavoidable reality of sin.
I find my own heart adjusted by author J.R. Miller’s book formerly called Home-Making, now called The Family:
Pride must have no place in wedded life. There must never be any standing upon dignity, nor any nice calculation as to whose place it is to make the apology or to yield first to the other…The pride that will never say, “I did wrong; forgive me,” is not ready for wedded life. (p.27)
- Never any standing upon dignity: How we look in a given conflict or situation should not rise to the front of our minds nor the center of our hearts. As husband or wife, we need to see this for what it is…pride. Any concern for managing how we look in a given situation is what Miller means by standing upon dignity. We’re called to a love that has less of “us” in it than that.
- Whose place it is to make the apology: Our pride is such a funny thing. We can know with all certainty that we’ve committed an offense and still delay an apology because, according to our perception, our spouse’s offense is greater. Oh how we deceive ourselves.
Pride does not readily say, “I did wrong.” And it never allows itself to come humbly before another and ask forgiveness. Which is why Miller says that pride must have no place in wedded life. And yet, here we are, married and prideful. What are we to do?
First, simply call it what it is…pride. Learn to recognize it. It has a harsh tone and a sour odor. It often starts by tasting sweet, but always ends with bitterness on the palate. Once you recognize it…track it. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be surprised by how often it rears its ugly head.
Next, war against it through confession. Confess to your spouse and your God each time you see, taste, or smell it. Don’t tire of this good work…it is an endless battle that demands tireless courage and commitment.
Lastly, destroy it with humility. Humility is not weakness; it is a great weapon. Don’t wonder whose place it is to make the apology…jump on the opportunity to do it first. Don’t seek ways to make yourself appear better…confess wrongdoing, even sins your spouse would have no knowledge of without your confession.
Miller’s counsel is the most sound. He says pride has no place in wedded life. In other words, leave your pride at the door. If you’ve allowed pride to come in the front door, then get tough with it and kick it out the back door…or a window. Upon its demise, you will find that a far more tender love has come to help you achieve the God-centered marriage you’re called to have…for the glory of God.
Rob Flood serves as the pastor responsible for the marriage ministry at Covenant Fellowship Church. Additionally, Rob carries responsibility for Leadership Training, Women’s Ministry, and shares in the counseling of the church. He lives in West Chester with his wife, Gina, and their six children.